Please Note These Articles are meant for information purposes only and are not a substitute for Medical or Psychological treatment.

Emotions and Distress.

Let us face facts, feelings cause distress. Emotions such as anger, anxiety, and depression can paralyse, blocking us from achieving our goals. As previously explained we have far more control over our emotions than we might think .So let us now take a closer look at how to manage emotions that lead to distress.

Anger
Anger is one of the most destructive emotions we can experience. When someone or something does not live up to our expectations we feel anger because we may hold the following types of beliefs -
“You must treat me the way I want” “You are a terrible person ” “Life must be fair.”
The problem with this attitude is that however hard we might try we cannot control other people or the world. Anger can have a detrimental effect on physical and emotional health. It is often a signal that something needs to be dealt with and if left unchecked, anger can lead to violence. Therapists sometimes teach their clients to express their anger in a physical way by hitting cushions or screaming out. Sometimes however this can have the effect of strengthing the angry feelings, so it is far better to change your irrational beliefs and then try and resolve the matter in a practical way.

• Recognise that anger is a natural human emotion that is not bad or evil. It is what you do with your anger that matters.
• Learn to recognise the situations and circumstances that lead to your anger so that you can be better prepared for them.
• Remember that it is not events in themselves, but our view about events that cause feelings such as anger. Whenever you can, challenge your irrational beliefs.
• Practice relaxation techniques and use them whenever your anger is triggered. Deep breathing can be especially helpful for this.
• If you become angry with someone take a deep breath, silently count to ten, then if appropriate talk the matter through in an assertive, non-aggressive way.
• See if you can look at the situation from a different perspective. Ask yourself “is this really worth getting so angry about?” You may even be able to laugh at the situation.
• Channel your anger in a creative way: writing, drawing, art, music, and exercise-all these mediums can turn anger into a positive force.

Anger management through visualisation
Peter was angry, it was his third visit to the store and his computer had still not been repaired. To make matters worse the manager could not confirm exactly when the computer would be ready. Peter became aggressive, shouting at the top of his voice. After the manager threatened to call the police Peter left the store in disgust.

Now this aggressive behaviour was not an isolated incident and Peter wanted to learn how to control it. I introduced Peter to a visualisation method where he pictured himself remaining calm in trying circumstances. The following rehearsal method helped Peter to reduce his anger.

1. Sit in a comfortable position, close your eyes breath slowly/ calmly and relax.
2. Vividly imagine a situation in which you become angry. See and hear yourself as you build up your feelings of anger. Observe your posture, feel your tension. Notice how the other person responds to your behaviour.
3. Once you can really feel your anger silently repeat a coping phrase to yourself such as “I can remain calm” “It’s not worth getting angry”. “Why let him/her push my buttons” “ I can choose not to get angry” “Just because he/she has made an unpleasant remark does not mean I have to agree with it.
4. Repeat the process on a regular basis until you feel a reduction in your anger.

The idea is to reduce your angry feelings and behaviour but not to imagine the other person responding differently. We can learn to control our own attitudes but not other peoples. However
when you learn to better manage your behaviour you may notice others changing too.

Anger in relationships
Disagreements though painful are a natural part of most couples’ relationships. However blazing arguments can get completely out of hand with accusations and threats meted out in abundance. Instead of clearing the air this behaviour can leave couples feeling hurt and angry and stop them talking to each other for days. Good communication is an effective way of reducing arguments and one of the most important elements of a satisfying and long lasting relationship.

The elements of effective communication
Bellow I describe some of the most common mistakes that lead to arguments and some examples to change your style of communication.

• Attacking. This is when your partner may say ” You just don’t understand” and you fail to acknowledge their feelings and go on to attack and criticise.
• Hint 1. Even if you think what they are saying is wrong the key is to acknowledge that this is how they are feeling. Empathising in this way will have the effect of lowering the temperature because your partner will feel you are making an attempt to understand their feelings. You can then go on to express how you feel.
• Generalising. “You are totally selfish” is an example of a generalisation It implies that a person is selfish one hundred percent of the time. But do occasional acts of selfishness make a person totally selfish?
• Hint 2. When communicating try and make your comments as specific as possible. E.G. “I think you acted in a selfish way when you refused to give Angela a lift home”
• Criticising. There are two forms of criticism. The first type is negative and consists of putdowns such as “You always do this” “You never do that” The second form of criticism is constructive. It requests that a person change their behaviour.
• Hint 3. Make your criticisms constructive by asking for a specific change. It is unhelpful to say, You never close the garage door”. Instead try saying “In the future can you please remember to close the garage door.
• Denying. You tell your partner that you do not feel hurt and angry when in reality you do. You deny your true feelings because you fear dire consequences if you speak up. You could be thinking. “If I speak up for myself he will be furious and leave me”
• Hint 4. Imaging disasters will often hold you back from self-expression and like the swing of a pendulum can lead to future aggressive outbursts. Effective communication includes assertiveness, which means letting your partner know in a non-threatening way, that you do not like something they are doing, have done or said.
• Bad timing. You have had a difficult day, you are hungry and your partner wants to talk. Not exactly a good time for constructive communication.
• Hint 5. Tell your partner that it is important to talk things over- but not at this precise moment. Ask for half an hours “time out” so you can relax and then you will be happy to talk.

You can practice being assertive in front of a mirror, in your imagination and by recording your new communication style on a cassette tape. Good communication is a skill that takes practice. You will get it wrong sometimes- but that is because you are human. With practice you will succeed.

Depression

Clinical depression is one of the most painful mood states that can be experienced. There is a vast difference between feeling down in the dumps and depressed. The symptoms can be both physical and emotional and seriously affect a person’s ability to function. Depression has often been described as anger turned inward. This is often the result of people blaming themselves for not living up to their own expectations or the expectations they believe others have of them.
People commonly think of depression as a sign of weakness and label themselves as useless. It can be especially painful to be told“ Pull yourself together” - because that is exactly what the depressed person wishes they could do. The fact is that clinical depression is a serious condition that requires medical and psychological evaluation.

The symptoms of depression include:

•   Feelings of hopelessness.
•   Lack of motivation.
•   Low self-esteem.
•   Feeling guilty.
•   Negative thinking
•   Suicidal thoughts and feelings
•   Sleep disturbance.
•   Appetite or weight changes
•   Loss of sex drive
•   Loss of interest in life
•   Fatigue

How to cope with depression.

Identify what may have caused your depression. It is important to identify what may have triggered your depression. Have you recently suffered a loss? Moved home? Are you isolated from your family and friends? Do you think of your self as a failure? Once you have identified the possible reasons for your depression you will be in a better position to do something about it.
Exercise on a regular basis. Swimming, walking or riding a bicycle are all good forms of exercise and will release endorphins, the body’s natural anti-depressant hormone.

Put some structure into your day. Include activities that you would normally find pleasurable. You may think that in order to achieve something you have to feel like doing it. In fact the reverse is often true; it is the doing that will give you the feeling of accomplishment and will spur you on to achieve your goals.

Talk to someone you trust. When you are feeling depressed communication is important. Express how you feel by talking to friends and members of your family.

Challenge your negative thinking. You may have noticed that when you feel depressed your style of thinking is pessimistic. You may have thoughts such as “I shouldn’t be feeling like this” or “I am weak person for feeling depressed”. Identify your irrational thinking and challenge it. Stop defining yourself as incompetent and useless.

Seek professional help. Sometimes depression is the result of a chemical imbalance and may need to be treated by medication. Counselling and psychotherapy can be helpful for most types of depression. Whatever the cause of your depression it is important to seek professional help.

The distortions in your thinking

The psychiatrists Aaron Beck, who developed cognitive therapy, and David Burns an innovator in the field have identified specific forms of distorted thinking. Called cognitive distortions they can lead to feelings of depression and other negative emotions. Some of the most common types of cognitive distortions are:

All or nothing thinking. This involves looking at things as either black or white, good or bad, leaving no room for middle ground. You might believe “Either I succeed at everything I attempt or else I am a total failure.” Jim had successfully stopped smoking for three months but then experienced a stressful event resulting in him smoking one cigarette. Jim thought, “That’s it, I’ve blown it completely!” This thought upset him so much that he went on to smoke an entire packet of cigarettes.

Predicting the future. Without evidence you predict that things will turn out badly. After being ill for three months Penny thought “I will never have the energy to work again” Happily Penny returned to work the following month. Whenever Penny starts to worry she now asks herself. “Am I jumping to conclusions?”

Mind reading. Again without evidence you believe you no what other people think about you. At a social gathering Sandra accidentally dropped a glass of wine, she thought to herself “People will think of me as totally incompetent.” Moments later someone she had never met told Sandra that only the previous week she had dropped a drink in a similar situatiation. That was the start of a new friendship.

Labelling. When you have done something wrong or made a mistake you label yourself a “failure” “stupid” “weak” etc. When Richard failed to complete his exam paper he thought, “I’m a failure” Labelling is irrational because you are not the same as what you do. You are therefore not a failure but a human being that will sometimes fail.

Mental filter. You filter out all the positive aspects of a situation and focus only on the negative details. Despite four newspapers giving excellent reviews to Michael’s performance in an amateur play, one paper was very critical. Michael ignored all the positive feedback and focused exclusively on the negative review. When people focus exclusively on the negative they greatly reduce their happiness.

Personalising. When something bad happens you may see it as totally your fault. Even though you may have little if anything to do with the situation you blame yourself and overlook how others might be involved. Patrick’s thirteen-year-old son was caught stealing sweets from a shop. Even though Patrick had always tried to teach his son right from wrong he thought, “This proves what a poor role model I am.”

How to lift yourself out of depression.

Dr David Burns has suggested a powerful way of transforming your mood.
This is how it is done:

1. Take a pen and paper and draw a line down the middle of the page.
2. In the left-hand column write down all of your negative thoughts about an upsetting situation.
3. Look at each thought and begin to challenge them by asking yourself the following questions.
   • What errors am I making in my thinking?
   • Am I looking at things as either black or white leaving no room for middle ground?
   • Am I predicting the future, thinking that things will turn out badly without the evidence to support my conclusions?
   • Am I mind reading, believing that people are thinking badly of me without evidence to back it up?
     Am I labelling myself?
   • Am I focusing exclusively on the negative and ignoring the positive?
   • Am I personalising - seeing the situation as totally my fault?
4. In the right hand column substitute more realistic thoughts that counteract the negative ones.

An Example

In my work as a therapist I have found a frequent cause of anxiety is Performance anxiety.
This includes public speaking, asking for a pay rise, going for an interview, meeting someone for the first time, and taking an exam. The common attitude that leads to performance anxiety can be summed up in this way. “In this situation whatever terrible thing can go wrong will go wrong and if it does I could not possibly stand it”. Dr Albert Ellis has called this catastrophizing. People commonly believe that in order to be able do what they fear they first have to overcome their anxiety. In reality the reverse is true; the key to conquering anxiety is to actually do whatever makes you anxious. Recognise that whatever is worrying you is unlikely to happen and even if it did you would probably be able to cope.

How to cope with anxiety.

• Remind yourself that feelings of anxiety always pass.
• Distract yourself by focusing your attention on someone or something in your surroundings.
• Practice relaxation and deep breathing.
• Visualise somebody you trust offering you words of encouragement.
• Remind yourself that whatever you fear happening is unlikely to happen, and if it does tell yourself that you will find a way to cope.
• Take some physical activity such as brisk walking, running or swimming.

How to cope with worry

• Set aside ten minutes every day to worry. Worry as much as you can for that period of time and then tell yourself that you are not going to worry again till tomorrow.
• Think of an amusing scene. For example picture Corporal Jones from the popular television comedy Dads Army running around shouting “Don’t panic don’t panic”.
• Write down what is worrying you. Make a list of all the things you would like to do about the situation. Study this list and then tick all of those that in reality you can do something about. Act on those - and let go of the others.

Picture yourself coping

Negativity feeds off itself. So if you are always thinking the worst then you may actually talk yourself into more than your fair share of bad experiences. You can use visualisation to cope with a situation that you fear. This is how it is done:

1. Sit in a comfortable position and close your eyes.
2. Vividly imagine the situation you are anxious about.
3. Feel your anxiety rise.
4. Now picture yourself coping with the situation.
5. Imagine that you are using a breathing technique and talking to yourself in a calm reassuring way. Use coping statements such as “This is just anxiety it will soon pass” “I know I will be OK” “This is not as bad as I think”
6. When you feel your anxiety decrease, open your eyes.
   Practice the exercise unhurriedly two to three times each day allowing five to ten minutes each time. If you have a stressful situation coming up, allow as much preparation time as possible. You should start to notice a change in your anxiety after about 30 days.